1) So I went to class the morning after writing my last post, finished paper in hand, only to find out that the entire class had been granted an extension and the paper wasn't due for another week. Apparently the teacher told this to the class when I had left the room to get my accompanist, or something. Because I know I would remember something as super as an extension on a due date, and I don't remember ever hearing anything about that. Anyway, I wasn't too upset because I was glad to have gotten it done anyway. And now that it's, well, now, I realize that I'd be twice as stressed about trying to write the paper now. Because now I have other things to worry about, like an essay on Pincher Martin and twentieth century music, and practicing for tons of performances/coachings/lessons/juries coming up. And, and, and... yeah.
2) Courtney called me... she and Michael are engaged! Happysuperhappywhee!!!
3) Thanksgiving was good. I went with Nathan to his roommate's house. It was fun. And from there Nathan and I took the commuter rail/T into Boston twice, because Nathan was playing organ for a wedding at Park Street Church over the weekend. I had a great time... I spent plenty of time relaxing, but I also read Pincher Martin and got in at least a little practicing.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
So dudes, this is my second all-nighter this semester. What's UP with this?! I don't do this. I mean, I admit that I'm not exactly a model student, but I don't think I pulled any all-nighters last year, so what's the problem this year? It's this ridiculous Interpretive Analysis class and the fact that I'm too much of a moron to interpret things analytically, that's what the problem is. I'm writing a paper on the Adagio from Bruckner's Seventh Symphony. The actual analysis portion was researched several days ago, outlined Sunday and Monday, and that part of the paper was finished several hours ago. Now I'm on the bit where I'm supposed to compare two performances and decide which is better, but I'm a horrible musician and I have no ear for this sort of thing, so how can I be expected to do this?! And it's an Adagio, dudes. Like, über slow and everything. So it takes ages to listen to every time, and every time I listen to it, I glean basically nothing. So here it is, practically 6:30 in the morning, and the paper is due in two hours, and I haven't written the interpretive part. Ugh. Like I said, I'm a moron.
Let's also talk about how I'm really not on top of anything else, either. I mean, if I were feeling a bit behind or loserly about this one class, that would be one thing... but I'm a terrible pianist and a terrible violinist, too, and I don't practice nearly enough. My life is a joke, for real.
And another thing... I just feel like a huge old beached whale sometimes. A worthless, big, fat blob sitting around day after day reading homework, practicing various musical instruments (my latest is the trombone; Jaana needs a student for pedagogy and it's me! heh.) and being fat and worthless. Oh, I want to go to the gym, but it's just so much gosh-darned TIME, you know? I mean, walk over to the gym facilities, run and bike and work out and stuff, walk back, take an extra shower... and then make sure to fit all that in at a convenient time each day when the gym isn't closed for weight-training classes. Yeah, right. Over the summer I ran like every day. Now I run like once or twice a week if I'm lucky. And I eat junkier stuff in general, too. Because I'm lazy and because my lettuce keeps going bad in the refrigerator. Pooh. So yeah, no time to go to the gym... well, I do have time, but when I have free time I'm so often lured away by other, more pleasant ways of spending my time. So basically I'm lazy. And a moron. And a whiner. I barely deserve to live, dudes. In fact, maybe I don't. I'm so loserly compared to everyone I know, for real. I'm a mega-underachiever. I'm pathetic.
So here I sit, nursing my bad mood and wondering how I'm going to finish this paper in time. Stop blogging and write the stupid paper, Sarah. Yeah. I'm so tired. Drank some coffee, ate a few pretzels. Tired, tired, tired. Gotta finish the paper, go to class, turn it in, go to a violin lesson, go to orchestra rehearsal, give a presentation on Schoenberg in music history class, and then, then, ahh... then I can sleep. But oh yeah, I have to pack too, for Thanksgiving.
Hey, let me whine about another thing, okay? Well, I'm really disorganized in a lot of ways. Maybe in every way. So that's just one more aspect of how-Sarah-is-failing-at-being-a-decent-person. My room is currently a disaster area, and the piles creep up on my until I feel like I'm suffocating. How can I focus and concentrate on this wretched paper with unfolded socks on my bed, Brahms and Beethoven on my dresser, and random stacks of papers on all other accomodating surfaces? Help me, someone, please... I'm drowning in a pit of nastiness, right here in my own apartment. And it's my own fault.
Where does all my time go? I'm a loser. I can't figure out where all the time has gone... I feel like I have nothing to show for this semester. Dude, how depressing. I'm so not deserving of my parents being so great and sending me to school. I should be more like my sister and my brother. I need to monitor my life more carefully. I should keep track of every precious moment. I should practice five hours each day. Oh yeah... let's be honest, Sarah... you know where a lot of your time goes. And while it's not really a waste exactly, you, little Miss Sarah, need to start prioritizing better. And you know it.
Every time I have a lot of deadlines, I'm not prepared. I stress out, become somewhat frantic internally if not noticeably, and then barely pull through with decent grades and average accomplishments. Once I've met the deadlines, I'm so exhausted from barely squeaking through that I sleep for a while instead of getting ahead on the next bunch of work that I know will come my way. I think that somewhere along the line, I failed Time Management 101.
The other thing is, every time I think about all the things I ought to be doing, I become so overwhelmed that I just want to sleep, or cry, or be in denial, or eat, or watch a movie, or veg out in some other fashion.
Yeah, I'm a loser.
Dudes, I hate this paper.
Back to work.
Oh dear Jesus... couldn't You come back now?
Let's also talk about how I'm really not on top of anything else, either. I mean, if I were feeling a bit behind or loserly about this one class, that would be one thing... but I'm a terrible pianist and a terrible violinist, too, and I don't practice nearly enough. My life is a joke, for real.
And another thing... I just feel like a huge old beached whale sometimes. A worthless, big, fat blob sitting around day after day reading homework, practicing various musical instruments (my latest is the trombone; Jaana needs a student for pedagogy and it's me! heh.) and being fat and worthless. Oh, I want to go to the gym, but it's just so much gosh-darned TIME, you know? I mean, walk over to the gym facilities, run and bike and work out and stuff, walk back, take an extra shower... and then make sure to fit all that in at a convenient time each day when the gym isn't closed for weight-training classes. Yeah, right. Over the summer I ran like every day. Now I run like once or twice a week if I'm lucky. And I eat junkier stuff in general, too. Because I'm lazy and because my lettuce keeps going bad in the refrigerator. Pooh. So yeah, no time to go to the gym... well, I do have time, but when I have free time I'm so often lured away by other, more pleasant ways of spending my time. So basically I'm lazy. And a moron. And a whiner. I barely deserve to live, dudes. In fact, maybe I don't. I'm so loserly compared to everyone I know, for real. I'm a mega-underachiever. I'm pathetic.
So here I sit, nursing my bad mood and wondering how I'm going to finish this paper in time. Stop blogging and write the stupid paper, Sarah. Yeah. I'm so tired. Drank some coffee, ate a few pretzels. Tired, tired, tired. Gotta finish the paper, go to class, turn it in, go to a violin lesson, go to orchestra rehearsal, give a presentation on Schoenberg in music history class, and then, then, ahh... then I can sleep. But oh yeah, I have to pack too, for Thanksgiving.
Hey, let me whine about another thing, okay? Well, I'm really disorganized in a lot of ways. Maybe in every way. So that's just one more aspect of how-Sarah-is-failing-at-being-a-decent-person. My room is currently a disaster area, and the piles creep up on my until I feel like I'm suffocating. How can I focus and concentrate on this wretched paper with unfolded socks on my bed, Brahms and Beethoven on my dresser, and random stacks of papers on all other accomodating surfaces? Help me, someone, please... I'm drowning in a pit of nastiness, right here in my own apartment. And it's my own fault.
Where does all my time go? I'm a loser. I can't figure out where all the time has gone... I feel like I have nothing to show for this semester. Dude, how depressing. I'm so not deserving of my parents being so great and sending me to school. I should be more like my sister and my brother. I need to monitor my life more carefully. I should keep track of every precious moment. I should practice five hours each day. Oh yeah... let's be honest, Sarah... you know where a lot of your time goes. And while it's not really a waste exactly, you, little Miss Sarah, need to start prioritizing better. And you know it.
Every time I have a lot of deadlines, I'm not prepared. I stress out, become somewhat frantic internally if not noticeably, and then barely pull through with decent grades and average accomplishments. Once I've met the deadlines, I'm so exhausted from barely squeaking through that I sleep for a while instead of getting ahead on the next bunch of work that I know will come my way. I think that somewhere along the line, I failed Time Management 101.
The other thing is, every time I think about all the things I ought to be doing, I become so overwhelmed that I just want to sleep, or cry, or be in denial, or eat, or watch a movie, or veg out in some other fashion.
Yeah, I'm a loser.
Dudes, I hate this paper.
Back to work.
Oh dear Jesus... couldn't You come back now?
Monday, November 15, 2004
Saturday, November 13, 2004
More Collected Thoughts
1) Our orchestra concert last Sunday was the result of a lot of hard work on the part of the students here as well as on the part of Dr. Ou, who soloed in the Prokofiev Sinfonia Concertante. However, because certain people don't do their jobs properly within the music department, and because all the time and attention is poured into advertising for the choir, our orchestra concert had pathetically low attendance. Dr. Ou's colleagues from here at the school didn't even come.
The instrumentalists here feel like the voice majors are heavily favored within the music department. I had a good conversation with Dr. Ou yesterday during the course of my two-and-a-half-hour-lesson-ish-thing (it was great), and she is frustrated with the lack of attention to the orchestra, too. Of course, she was immensely disappointed by the poor attendance at the concert. Something ought to be done. We're doing a lot of hard work and the instrumental part of the department has come a long way. Is it asking too much to say that we just want people to come to our concerts?
2) SNOW!!!!!!! WHEE!!!!!!!!!!
3) Freshman General Recital last night... it was good! Leah is so great. And everybody else, too.
4) After the recital last night I went and saw The Incredibles. Maannn... I wish I had super powers. Real life is so mundane in comparison. Heh.
5) Coming soon... Elijah! We start rehearsing this Tuesday!
The instrumentalists here feel like the voice majors are heavily favored within the music department. I had a good conversation with Dr. Ou yesterday during the course of my two-and-a-half-hour-lesson-ish-thing (it was great), and she is frustrated with the lack of attention to the orchestra, too. Of course, she was immensely disappointed by the poor attendance at the concert. Something ought to be done. We're doing a lot of hard work and the instrumental part of the department has come a long way. Is it asking too much to say that we just want people to come to our concerts?
2) SNOW!!!!!!! WHEE!!!!!!!!!!
3) Freshman General Recital last night... it was good! Leah is so great. And everybody else, too.
4) After the recital last night I went and saw The Incredibles. Maannn... I wish I had super powers. Real life is so mundane in comparison. Heh.
5) Coming soon... Elijah! We start rehearsing this Tuesday!
Thoughts
Okay, so it's been a while.
Last Sunday I had an epiphany of sorts. Well, I guess you could say I was "convicted." Choir was singing at a church in Boston, and the man who gave the sermon that morning was talking about how we should treat others, and about seeing others as God sees them. He told a story of a man who had only a few minutes to deliver a whole sermon, and he condensed it like this: "Others. Others. Others."
Anyway... some background information. As of this past Sunday, I had reached such a point of annoyance with certain people that things just couldn't go on. I had been standing through choir rehearsals just burning with irritation and dislike for certain people whose attitudes come across as being so incredibly egotistical... and it had all just gotten so bad that I couldn't take it anymore. That Sunday, a person who is somewhat intense, likes to take control and tell people what to do, and doesn't have what I'd call great leadership skills (because true leadership is done with humility, not condescension or bossiness) was hissing orders to the choir as we were filing downstairs after singing in the service. She was right behind me, hissing in the most irritating way, and without thinking at all, I did something I never do... I snapped, "SHUT UP." Now, as it turns out, this person didn't even hear me in all the chaos. But still... it was the moment when I realized how full I was of all these things that weren't Jesus. How I am so far from seeing others as God sees them. I remembered reading a post from my brother in law's blog about how it's when we're stressed or annoyed or "shaken up" by life that we know what's really inside us, based on what comes out in those times - is it Jesus, or is it our own sinful nature?
Anyway, that day, I realized how horrible I was being... I would make fun of voice majors just because a few of them had egos and attitudes. Just because a few of them need a serious dose of chill pills, I developed a reactionary "instrumentalist complex" of disliking most of the upperclassmen voice majors as a whole. And let's be honest... most of the instrumentalists do feel that lots of the vocalists come across as a snotty group of people. But I talked to Jaana about it a lot that evening, as we were driving from our afternoon orchestra concert here at Gordon to our evening choir concert in NH (it was a crazy day, let me tell you)... and we talked about all the nice, down-to-earth, humble voice majors we know. So what it comes down to is attitude... and the attitudes of many voice majors come across really badly to other people in the department. Especially when there's a giant disconnect between a person's attitude and their actual ability. But this isn't the point. No matter how condescending or egotistical someone is, it's not right for me to be annoyed with them, talk about them, or make fun of all the voice majors when I'm hanging out with other instrumentalists. I'd like to see the music department here full of supportive people... I should want the voice majors to succeed and I should be encouraging them with the same genuine spirit with which I encourage my fellow violinists in orchestra... because I genuinely love them and appreciate their talents and skills and efforts.
So anyway, it's been a week with a lot to think about. And I'm on a new regime -- it's the "don't make fun of people" regime. It's just not what anyone needs to hear, you know? Words are powerful... so let's use them to build people up. I know how much I'd love to hear encouraging words from my fellow music majors... and maybe they sometimes need to hear from me, too... you know, the sophomores had a terrific recital a few weeks ago. Beth, Krista, and Sarah sang so beautifully... I should tell them, instead of harboring a grudge against all voice majors or assuming they all have egos and attitude problems and being unwilling to compliment them.
I'm not going to say that it'll be easy to never again make fun of voice majors... they way they vocalize in the halls, the way some of the ones with the biggest egos crack all their high notes, the way some of them have vibratos you could drive a truck through, the way they don't practice as much as instrumentalists do, the way some of them make "mooing" sounds on each note, the way they all think they'll be at the Met someday... but maybe some of them will be. They're here to learn and to work, just like I am... and even if a few of them are snottier than I am, or even if they think they're great while I generally feel like a worm... it doesn't entitle me to be filled with horrid feelings of annoyance towards all voice majors as a whole. Or even towards any of them.
The thing is, God is amazing. He changes my heart, and all I have to do is ask. I realized that I can't just stop saying unkind things about voice majors or making fun of them... I have to change how I think of them in my heart.
So that's some of what's going on in my heart and mind lately.
Last Sunday I had an epiphany of sorts. Well, I guess you could say I was "convicted." Choir was singing at a church in Boston, and the man who gave the sermon that morning was talking about how we should treat others, and about seeing others as God sees them. He told a story of a man who had only a few minutes to deliver a whole sermon, and he condensed it like this: "Others. Others. Others."
Anyway... some background information. As of this past Sunday, I had reached such a point of annoyance with certain people that things just couldn't go on. I had been standing through choir rehearsals just burning with irritation and dislike for certain people whose attitudes come across as being so incredibly egotistical... and it had all just gotten so bad that I couldn't take it anymore. That Sunday, a person who is somewhat intense, likes to take control and tell people what to do, and doesn't have what I'd call great leadership skills (because true leadership is done with humility, not condescension or bossiness) was hissing orders to the choir as we were filing downstairs after singing in the service. She was right behind me, hissing in the most irritating way, and without thinking at all, I did something I never do... I snapped, "SHUT UP." Now, as it turns out, this person didn't even hear me in all the chaos. But still... it was the moment when I realized how full I was of all these things that weren't Jesus. How I am so far from seeing others as God sees them. I remembered reading a post from my brother in law's blog about how it's when we're stressed or annoyed or "shaken up" by life that we know what's really inside us, based on what comes out in those times - is it Jesus, or is it our own sinful nature?
Anyway, that day, I realized how horrible I was being... I would make fun of voice majors just because a few of them had egos and attitudes. Just because a few of them need a serious dose of chill pills, I developed a reactionary "instrumentalist complex" of disliking most of the upperclassmen voice majors as a whole. And let's be honest... most of the instrumentalists do feel that lots of the vocalists come across as a snotty group of people. But I talked to Jaana about it a lot that evening, as we were driving from our afternoon orchestra concert here at Gordon to our evening choir concert in NH (it was a crazy day, let me tell you)... and we talked about all the nice, down-to-earth, humble voice majors we know. So what it comes down to is attitude... and the attitudes of many voice majors come across really badly to other people in the department. Especially when there's a giant disconnect between a person's attitude and their actual ability. But this isn't the point. No matter how condescending or egotistical someone is, it's not right for me to be annoyed with them, talk about them, or make fun of all the voice majors when I'm hanging out with other instrumentalists. I'd like to see the music department here full of supportive people... I should want the voice majors to succeed and I should be encouraging them with the same genuine spirit with which I encourage my fellow violinists in orchestra... because I genuinely love them and appreciate their talents and skills and efforts.
So anyway, it's been a week with a lot to think about. And I'm on a new regime -- it's the "don't make fun of people" regime. It's just not what anyone needs to hear, you know? Words are powerful... so let's use them to build people up. I know how much I'd love to hear encouraging words from my fellow music majors... and maybe they sometimes need to hear from me, too... you know, the sophomores had a terrific recital a few weeks ago. Beth, Krista, and Sarah sang so beautifully... I should tell them, instead of harboring a grudge against all voice majors or assuming they all have egos and attitude problems and being unwilling to compliment them.
I'm not going to say that it'll be easy to never again make fun of voice majors... they way they vocalize in the halls, the way some of the ones with the biggest egos crack all their high notes, the way some of them have vibratos you could drive a truck through, the way they don't practice as much as instrumentalists do, the way some of them make "mooing" sounds on each note, the way they all think they'll be at the Met someday... but maybe some of them will be. They're here to learn and to work, just like I am... and even if a few of them are snottier than I am, or even if they think they're great while I generally feel like a worm... it doesn't entitle me to be filled with horrid feelings of annoyance towards all voice majors as a whole. Or even towards any of them.
The thing is, God is amazing. He changes my heart, and all I have to do is ask. I realized that I can't just stop saying unkind things about voice majors or making fun of them... I have to change how I think of them in my heart.
So that's some of what's going on in my heart and mind lately.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Sheri's New Baby
I just found out (from Becka's blog) that my former roommate brought a baby into the world on the morning of November 2nd. Congratulations to Sheri and Chris, if they ever read this! I want to see this little one... I hope pictures start going up on various blogs soon!
But I must say that I feel old... my former roommate is a mother!
But I must say that I feel old... my former roommate is a mother!
Gabe's Blog
My brother-in-law has a blog. Check it out. He's cool. (I've added it to the links on the sidebar, too.)
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Mr. President
Kerry concedes... President Bush has been re-elected!
So relieved... so happy... I'm just so happy.
So relieved... so happy... I'm just so happy.
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