Calvinism

From Janna's blog a few days ago:

Calvin, our Leader and Friend

I kind of have this Calvinist war going on with this mean violinist who's doctrinist. I mean, I guess I'm doctrinist too, but I'm RIGHT. So, to fuel the flames, I've decided the following things:

-my firstborn will be named Calvin (if male) and Calvina (if female- or maybe Calvinette- or maybe Cauvina or Jeana- or Gèneve- there're a lot of options)

-I'm going to try to write an editorial for my school newspaper in which I decisively prove that Calvinism and capitalism are absolute goods and inextricably co-dependent

-I'm going to develop some sort of clever sticker or stencil with a tulip on it and subversively spray it all over campus à la Twelve Monkeys (focusing on the area around a certain dorm and the music building)

-I'm will hire my handy-dandy Bible major (code-name: JoJo) to develop some Calvinist tracts which I will cleverly distribute by stuffing them in copies of praise CDs in the bookstore, and in Veggie Tales tapes

-I'm going to start an aggressive new campus ministry which kidnaps and reprograms Arminians via cult-breaking techniques (TULIP: Totally United in Liberating Ignorant Pseudo-Christians)

-I shall coerce my small but dedicated group of music major friends (hmm: note to self- make some music major friends who are not violently opposed to Calvinism) to write new, appropriately Reformed lyrics to the idiotic praise songs sung in chapel and get my smart compsci hacker friends to insert the new lyrics on the chapel overheads

¡Viva la revolución calvinista! ¡Muerte a los oppresores del Reform!

Comrades, if you have further ideas on how to further our great cause, please allow our God to predestine your click on the comments link. Persevere, Saints, persevere!

And my comments:

I CHOSE to click the comments button.

Yes, name your first son Calvin. Everyone will think you're naming him after Calvin a la Calvin and Hobbes, and he'll probably start behaving like that Calvin, too, and then you'll be sorry. I, meanwhile, will have named my charming, well-behaved firstborn son Jacob.

Yeah, write an editorial for the Tartan too. Cool. Since we all know it's the stupidest paper in the WORLD. Please, be my guest and add to the stupidity with a Calvinism-and-Capitalism-are-absolute-goods-and-inextricably-co-dependent article. And in keeping with the current trends in headlines, why don't you go ahead and call it, "Just Because You're a Capitalist DOES mean you should be a Calvinist." I'll read it, and I'll spend Spring Break sitting here thinking of a brilliant and devastatingly witty reply to smash to smithereens any arguments you may have weakly presented.

Oh, you're just doing the tulip stickers/stencils as a cheap version of my friends who carved tulips into all their furniture. If you're not committed enough to carve tulips into all your furniture and all of school property and pay the fines later, you must not really believe this Calvinism doctrine.

Fine, put your evil-determinist-propaganda tracts into praise CD covers in the bookstore. Only losers listen to that kind of praise music anyway... REAL Christians listen to hymns. So probably only people who are already Calvinists (and thus pseudo-Christians, obviously) will buy the CDs and see the tracts. No harm done. (Not to mention, non-Calvinists are smart enough not to be swayed by false premises and weak arguments.)

I'm stealing your new TULIP idea. It's really remarkably clever. See, it'll be even funnier when non-Calvinists have a group called TULIP. It's ironic! It's clever! It's fabulous! TULIP: Totally United in Liberating Ignorant Pseudo-Christians! That is, obviously, as much as to say... Liberating Ignorant Calvinists! Or we could even call it Totally United in Liberating Ignorant Predestinationalists... that works too.

I can't imagine Reformed lyrics to idiotic praise songs. The really idiotic ones are all more like love-songs with "Jesus" inserted instead of "Baby" anyway, and the repetition and mindlessness of it doesn't lend itself to doctrine. Anyway, you know how chapel is. Everyone would be too busy doing homework/kissing their significant other/sleeping to notice new lyrics, anyway. Nice try, though. The work of you and your Unconditionally-Elected friends shall all be for naught!


Well, I thought that was funny.

You should all go read her blog; she's always making snide remarks about me! She's ill-mannered and obnoxious, but honestly, what would you expect of someone with her theological persuasions?!