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Friday, December 05, 2003

I'm waiting for my laundry to finish drying so I can go practice some more. In the meantime, why not blog? Why not indeed.

I've had a brilliant idea. Two of them, actually.

1) I am going to exert minimal effort in every aspect of my life, or perhaps no effort at all, until people's expectations of me drop to ground zero. From that point, I'll start working again, beginning with small achievements. Then, people will be really impressed, no matter how little I accomplish or how pathetic I am. This way, I can start getting some encouragement and affirmation for even the smallest of things that I do each day already, like practicing or doing my homework. People will be thrilled with my small successes! (This plan could backfire, though - while I'm in the process of leveling people's expectations to nada, it's quite possible that my teacher could kick me out of his studio, I could fail all my classes, and I could lose my scholarships. Hmm, is it worth the risk?)

2) I'm going to start telling people that I'm quitting the violin. Darcie, a cellist here, is thinking about not taking lessons or playing in orchestra next semester, and everyone's being so nice to her! Her teacher and our orchestra director are full of nothing but encouragement. Meanwhile, my teacher tells me that I sound like a cow and he feels like he has to babysit me. (This second idea has the same possible problematic result of a backfire... possibly, people will encourage me in my decision of quitting, saying something along the lines of, "I'm glad God has finally helped you realize what we've known all along... you suck... you may as well give up.")

(By the way, I'm not complaining about my teacher... I'm really complaining about myself. I'm only upset that I'm not the kind of student he deserves or the kind of student I could and should be. And, he really is a very encouraging teacher. He's so kind to me. It just that he really sees me and figures me out. Sometimes his honesty in my lessons, about me as a violinist and me as a person, can be overwhelming.)

I feel loserly. I hate the way I am. It's the same every year, every semester. I promise myself I'll work hard, stay on top of things, get ahead even, but by the time the end of the semester rolls around, I have a million things to do and I don't know how to do them all.

I miss the days when my ego was stroked a bit more often, and people thought I was bright and clever and talented. And my music teachers praised what work I did do and didn't expect a whole lot more. Okay, okay, I KNOW I'm better off with my teacher now, with his higher expectations and my higher expectations of myself... I'm just whining because I'm feel terrible and I'm worried that I'm disappointing people and not living up to all that I could be doing with my life.

I also miss the days when I was eager and curious about life. When I asked big questions and actually wanted to find out the answers. At my lesson this week my teacher was talking about motivation and initiative and curiosity, and it was upsetting to realize that I don't have that curiosity about life anymore. I check out books from the library, but when it comes down to it, I'd rather sleep than read them. I've been meaning to read Les Miserables again in my spare time this year, but I've barely made it through four chapters. I drag myself to my classes and force myself through my homework assignments, putting them off until the last possible moment. I'm enthusiastic about violin, but even that sometimes feels like I'm just pushing myself through it... one more hour, 30 more minutes, 15 more minutes...

What has happened to me? I talked to a friend and she said she felt the same way. We both just want to sleep. *yawn* Maybe it's normal, as a junior in college approaching finals, to feel this burned out. But I hate it. How can I regain some enthusiasm?

I miss being at home and feeling special just because I was me. I miss laughing until my stomach hurt. I miss the things I used to do. I miss the way I used to be... some aspects of it, anyway. In some ways I like who I am now a lot better, though. But... yeah. I miss a lot of things.

On the other hand, I have a lot of wonderful things now that I wouldn't want to give up. So, I'm reminescing and missing things, but I wouldn't necessarily want to go back, you know?

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. I am generally the sort of person who likes most people - all sorts of people - and feels a broad sort of love for all of humankind, for God, for creation, for all sorts of things. That being said, I can also be an extremely guarded and sarcastic person. So I have been wondering what it means to walk in His love, to love others the way Christ commands us to.

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God... if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us." ~ 1 John 4:7

I've always had the sort of witty sense of humour that loves to make clever, stinging comebacks and enjoys laughing. When is this appropriate? Or, is it ever? Is it ever funny, or is it just plain mean? Maybe I should try being a more uplifting, kind, encouraging person. I think I would hardly know how to begin; I'm so accustomed to being silly all the time. Why am I like this?

Also, when is it appropriate to discuss a person in a negative light? Is this always gossip and thus always wrong, or is there a time within the confines of a close friendship that you can talk about other people?

I wish being good were easy, clear-cut, defined.

Okay, my laundry should be just about dry now.

I'll leave you with something funny, taken from the away message of my funny and inimitable friend Jaana:

*to the tune of Jingle Bells* "Homework sucks, homework sucks, It makes me want to hurl; I just want to go to bed, cause I'm a sleepy girl, OH! Homework sucks, homework sucks, when will the homework cease? I just want to throw it out and go to bed in peace!"

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